Fucked up Bible Stories #1 – David’s Drippy Bag of Dicks.

From 1 Samuel 18:17-27

Things were going pretty good for David.  He had already risen to a bit of fame after easily defeating Goliath with his sling.  People thought he was pretty shot-shit after that.  I guess they didn’t realize that killing a massive dude with a sling is pretty easy if you know how to use the thing, but whatever.

King Saul was pissed at David.  The whole nation had their heads firmly up the shepherd boy’s ass and Saul still remembered what it felt like to have them licking at his crack.  So he tried being sneaky and plotted a way to kill him.  He sent a message to David and the conversation went something like this:

“Dave, buddy!  Listen, we gotta talk.  I want you to be my son-in-law.”

“Whoa!  Seriously?  Awesome!”

“Yeah, but you gotta pay the dowry.”

“Dude, no problem.  Whatever it takes.  Woot, imma be a king’s son-in-law!  What should I give?  Sheep?  Got lots of sheep?  Gold?  Want me to play a song at the wedding?”

“I need foreskins, Dave.”

Blink.  “Come again?”

“Foreskins.  A hundred of them.”

David scratched his head.  “Erm…”

“Philistine foreskins,” Saul clarified.  I picture him giving a sly grin and rubbing his hands together.  The idea was to get David killed trying to get these foreskins.  Great plan, Saul.  Greeeeaaaat.

I guess Dave thought about it for a while.  I mean, even if the Philistines were willing to give up their foreskins for their arch-enemy’s wedding that’s a dowry that deserves some second thought.  In the end, though, the thought of banging Saul’s daughter was enough to get the boy motivated.  He grabbed a couple buddies and went Philistine hunting.

David was a real over-achiever, owing to his Protestant work ethic.  That boy killed a whopping two hundred Philistines, nicked the ends of their manly bits off and tossed them in a bag.  Two hundred bloody sweaty cock-turtlenecks.  Imagine the sound they made when he brought them to Saul and tossed them at his feet.

Apparently the wedding was lovely.

The Bible and I

I have a long and very complex relationship with the Bible.  I was raised on it.  I’ve read it through more than once.  It was the code I had once promised to live by.

The problem is, the Bible never presents itself as a code.  It never presents itself as a sacred infallible text.  It’s just a book, like the Qur’an, Pride and Prejudice and Fifty Shades of Grey.

Some of the stuff in the Bible is awesome.  Like, mind-blowingly awesome.  The Sermon on the Mount.  Many parts of the Prophets.  The Gospels.  But it’s not perfect.  There are factual and ethical errors strewn about it.  It claims the earth is 6,000 years old.  And that’s just stupid.  It commands parents to stone disobedient children.  And that’s just fucked up.  It records God’s command to commit genocide, rape and infanticide right alongside his commands to love and forgive.

When we suggest that the Bible is infallible, we force ourselves into a dangerous corner and end up submitting even to its darkest and most hateful sides.  Sides that suggest there is blessing for murdering babies of a certain ethnicity (Psalm 137:8-9)

Useful book.  But not something to build your life on.